Lord while my prayer has always been may I never live outside of your will, I never thought I would. I know that I sin everyday I am so imperfect but I want to be perfect for you Father. I want to do your will everyday. I dont want to know a life where I dont live for you . God I thought I was done with temptation and lust, When you saved me from the pit of hell I thought it was finished. Father forgive me for falling short and please take my sin away. Help me not to stumble help me lean on you. Keep me in Your will father. I will worship you more loudly, more boldly and unashamed, Because my sins were many and You have forgiven me. I love you Daddy.
“Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
47“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” Luke 7:45-47

Refocus

I dont know about anyone else but sin starts in my mind. Usually I can catch the sin and put the fire out or sometimes I will water it, with music, with tv and in this paticular case browsing instagram and looking at cute couples and hating the fact that, that is not Gods will for my life right now.
So I went to church like last week and my pastor was giving us the new song for worship we(the worship team) sung it the first time with no emotion and then my Pastor gave us this mini sermon about how the song is saying God Im so unworthy but God have mercy on me. God you love me so much even with all my sins that you show me mercy everyday and that mercy can even take away the thngs that makes me sin and replace it with better. I cant say it as eloquantly as my Pastor did but it bought me to tears and so I cried durring worship(Because I am a cryer) And well the next thing I knew all these guys were after me but not fitness man. Fitness man was after my body and how badly I wanted to give it to him. But I cant, because he didnt pay the price for me. Our relationship minus a few details are completely surface and so I started talking to these new guys,boring they were all so boring. So what is it God? Why do I crave the struggling entrepreneur with a roommate rather than the safe guy with a career and a home. Could it be because I am the struggling girl trying to figure out what my career will be? Me and fitness man are completely in the exact same place in our lives right now and I wonder if that is why I crave him. Nevertheless I shared this with my Pastor and told her my plan was to finish up our last 3 sessions and never see him again.
Because I work crazy hours and because I think we like each other he works around my hours. We planned a session for 1030. And as I'm on my way to train he calls me and asks me if I can take him to get his car from downtown l.a.On the car ride there I was able to tell him this would be our last three sessions. He told me how much he didn't want them to be and how he would give me sessions for only $10 because he really wants me to keep going because Im doing so good. Our energy started to change it was so flirty so touchy. I was distracted. Kashs Dad begun to text me which only added more to the distraction. Clearly I wasnt going to work out that night. I have started to have my doubts about Kashs Dad Im pretty sure that him being absent for 3 years should have been the biggest doubt. I had questions like did he even like let alone love my son, Were we ever going to be friends and could he lead us as a family. And as fitness man and I kissed and hugged all on eachother preparing to go way to far Kashs Dad answered all my questions without even having to ask. I didnt ask him anything but he told me everything not knowing it was everything I was concerned about. What the heck is going on? Was it a full moon or something. Clearly the world was going crazy or maybe I was.
I woke up this morning with the word REFOCUS on my mind. Refocus on the kingdom, refocus on God. I have to stop watering my sin with secular music I cant look at someones life on instagram or facebook and wonder why its not happening for me. So the new game plan is to get a gym membership and to stay away from all these randoms that have been approaching. Its really God over everything. Im starting a new fast this Monday let me know if you want to join me I still have journals I can give you.