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Father God. The most vast unimaginable expansive ineffable creator. You saw fit to create me in your image. You saw fit to breathe your breath into me. Your breath in my lungs that fills my life. I cant even imagine you my creator. All that to say I am so grateful. Grateful and forever chasing after you. Studying to show myself approved. Looking for you everywhere and in everything because I want to know you. But like a child, can the created thing ever fully know you? I could dive deep into your words, into your works, into your chosen ones and still never fully know you.

Life for me has been crazy. Nothing you don't know, nothing is a surprise to you. I find myself struggling to pray and so I write to you. I condemn myself. Call myself unworthy. And that is where I struggle. I struggle with knowing my bible and knowing that there is a God who is fire brimstone and hell. That we gloss over. I struggle knowing that I just cant get it right. My thoughts, my actions my desires.
I am like Paul with the thorn in his side. Who stays weak. But my weakness doesn't make me strong. It makes me long for Jesus. To know the missing leak. Like how can I love God and still struggle with all of these insecurities. Maybe I will never know.
I long to be loved while running away from love because I don't know how to trust. I second guess everything.I think Im not funny enough, not pretty enough certainly not interesting enough to keep someone around. Because everyone is always leaving me. I feel so disposable. And so I search for you. Because nobody else wants me. At least that's who I feel. I want you to find me and I want to find you.
And so now I search for Jesus because in him I can find you. And if I find you then I feel like I will be ok. And thats all I really want.