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Father God. The most vast unimaginable expansive ineffable creator. You saw fit to create me in your image. You saw fit to breathe your breath into me. Your breath in my lungs that fills my life. I cant even imagine you my creator. All that to say I am so grateful. Grateful and forever chasing after you. Studying to show myself approved. Looking for you everywhere and in everything because I want to know you. But like a child, can the created thing ever fully know you? I could dive deep into your words, into your works, into your chosen ones and still never fully know you.

Life for me has been crazy. Nothing you don't know, nothing is a surprise to you. I find myself struggling to pray and so I write to you. I condemn myself. Call myself unworthy. And that is where I struggle. I struggle with knowing my bible and knowing that there is a God who is fire brimstone and hell. That we gloss over. I struggle knowing that I just cant get it right. My thoughts, my actions my desires.
I am like Paul with the thorn in his side. Who stays weak. But my weakness doesn't make me strong. It makes me long for Jesus. To know the missing leak. Like how can I love God and still struggle with all of these insecurities. Maybe I will never know.
I long to be loved while running away from love because I don't know how to trust. I second guess everything.I think Im not funny enough, not pretty enough certainly not interesting enough to keep someone around. Because everyone is always leaving me. I feel so disposable. And so I search for you. Because nobody else wants me. At least that's who I feel. I want you to find me and I want to find you.
And so now I search for Jesus because in him I can find you. And if I find you then I feel like I will be ok. And thats all I really want.

Abba, I promised You a year of faithfulness and wow how fast that year went by. I am lost standing on Your promises. I fall and I stumble too. I thank You for the Holy Spirit and Your son for saving me. For allowing me to get back up again. These promises Yah, Im starting to feel like Abram now. Like how. Like you gave me dates and stuff. Its getting close. Just reassure me Abba. Forgive me where I fall short. I need Your help. Send me a sign. Send me some goodness. I need something good Abba. I love You.

Abba, I release all distractions to you. My mind runs in a million directions and sometimes I cant focus on you. And still all I want is You. To know You, to prove to others that You are real. You don't need me to fight Your battles I need You. So I ask you Abba to cleanse me of all negativity. I choose to live in your light with Your guidance and integrity. Abba I want to use the gifts you gave me to magnify You. Show me the way. Show me how to give You glory. Although I need to see Your glory. You don't even need me to give You glory. Your God alone all powerful, all mighty. A God who gave Sarah and Abraham a promise and delivered. A God who had Jonah swallowed by a whale. A God who led Samson to pursue a foreigner so You could get glory. So God show out in me so You can get glory but keep me mindful of You. To always want to be in Your presence to always want more of You, because Abba Your bigger than I could ever imagine. I will never know you fully You are vast and my God you spoke into the vast and created the Heavens and the Earth. I could never fully know your full power Your full hand. So show me your presence. Get Glory out of my life. I give my heart to You. I remember Your power and Your promises. You are not a man, You cannot lie and so I trust Your promises will come to pass. Time means nothing to the God who created time, who created language, who mixed things up. Who gave us freewill and knew I would always come back to You.
I love You Abba. Always and forever. More of Your glory My Love. More of Your glory.

YHWY, I want you to be bigger than love because you are love. I want you to be bigger than confusion because your the prince of peace. I need you to be everything that I am searching for because you have all the answers. If its not in your will then I don't want it. How can the created thing long for something the creator didn't create for them. So Yah take it all please. Take it all away, the things You don't want me to have and then give me peace. Fill me with ease because I have You and if I have You everything will be ok. I need You. that's it that's all. Help me where I am unsure. Help me. I need You.

Oh most high how I love You! I adore you! I praise You Abba! Your everything. Im soooooo in love with You. Thank you for Your love, Your mercy and Your grace. Your soooo good. So good. Thank you!

Yahweh I'm so in love with you Abba. Your magnificent and so worthy of praise. I adore You my mighty and wonderful king. May I dwell in your presence forever. May I always feel your love. May I always want you. Yahushua  please fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Thank You for keeping me. Molding me and making me whole. Thank You for making me Yours. I want to follow You and keep Your laws. I believe Abba.

Just For Me

'For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. '

2 Corinthians 7:10
https://my.bible.com/bible/1/2CO.7.10We are all sinners that fall short of the glory of The Most High. Every day we sin, when we cuss out that car who cut you off. When you lose your temper and let that cussword slip when your kids are cutting up. Taking a pen from your job and not returning it. We are bent towards sin. Praise Abba for sending his only son to justify us.
My biggest struggle, the thing that convicts me the most is purity. I have to fight to keep it. It is my innate desire to be loved. The cold part is I have been loved since before my creation by the Most High God. Sometimes I lose sight of that love and I convince myself that only a man can do that for me. That is a lie from the pit of hell but since I was 19 thats what I thought. I praise God that I can practice celibacy it is changing my whole life. Sex is the one sin that seperates me from Yah. I have to abstain from it.
For others it might not be sex that convicts you the most. It might be something else. Abstain, get clarity and stay focused. Its hard but, its a marathon. You might fall but get back up. Stay close to Elohim. Trust the Holy Spirit. Ask the Holy Spirit to go before you every day that you wake. Yall don't even know yet, how dope the Holy Spirit is. My God, He is amazing and powerful and He's got you as long as you acknowledge Yahushua(Jesus) and invite Him into your life.