He'll Take The Pain Away

So, God gives me the idea for these journals, this blog, and a promise and then... Crickets. And then not only crickets but painful soul aching uncomfortableness. It was almost like I had to second guess myself, like God didn't you say open doors? Then why am I homeless and depressed? The funny thing is I didn't want to give up on God I actually continued to go to church and cry myself through it all. I invited people into my life trying to fix myself because clearly I had to be broken. So, ok, I am broken but it is a brokenness that only God can heal. And we all know God is close to the broken hearted (Psalm34:18) so that's a really good place for me to be. But these people I invited into my life only magnified my dysfunction and reminded me of how badly I didn't have it together( As if I didn't know that already!) And it only made me feel a million times worse and under super intense pressure to try to fix it. Then I had a nervous break down and it was scary, I slept for hours afraid to wake up to every day being the same thing. I could not deal with everyday being the same painful soul aching hopelessness that surrounded me. What happened next was what should of happened all along, I went to church and I cried out to God, not just any old cry I mean I cried from the pit of my soul. It was the most ugliest cry
 I could muster up and while I wanted to be embarrassed that I just ugly cried in front of the whole congregation I know that God had heard his daughter. Did I go to work and continue to cry in front of my manager? Yes. But he talked to me for an hour and encouraged and lifted me up and it was dope. I came out of the office full of hope. My manager even told me I needed a God crush :) I started writing scriptures on my hands when I went to work and it got to the point that I didn't have to look at them because I was living it "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. '-Isaiah 40:31
And so the weeks got easier but my gut feeling got stronger. And I begin to wonder if I was evil or crazy because I had crazy anxiety about letting a new person into my space. I tried and tried fighting what I knew wasn't a wrong feeling and continued to feel uncomfortable about it until I prayed and once again God lead me to Luke 12:57-59 and settling your differences on your own. So I tried once again to let this person in and nope she was going to drive me crazy so I cut ties with her. Just thinking back on it now, I prayed to God in April about him sending me 1 Godly friend (because I'm a introvert and I just need one) and he answered me back that day and he meant business  ;) He told me to stop looking for friends and to let Him grow me up. He told me He was going to be my friend because I wasn't ready yet. And I get it now God was right of course. But how do you tell someone that?

So the relationship ended with that person and it was just so easy that I didn't even think twice about it. I wasn't going to talk about her to anyone or try to get any advice the only opinion that mattered to me was God. About 2 days after it happened however I got strong confirmation from God that I did the right thing because she did decide she was going to discuss me with others. I say all of that just to stress, always listen to that inner voice. If you feel strongly about something your probably not wrong about it.
 I worked 4th of July so my sister took Kash with her out of the city and so I got off early and had no idea what to do. I made a vegan dinner and cleaned the  house and listened to an A.A meeting on youtube. Im going to backtrack a bit and tell you how I found the meeting. I have this ex that God told me to pray for. I got all excited thinking God was preparing him to be my husband lol, but that was the total opposite of who he had become in my life. My ex sent me the link to the meeting hes in recovery also and he kind of helps to walk me through it. So Im listening to this meeting my ex sent me to and its basically talking about how hard it is to believe in a God who is just fire brimstone and hell but what if it was a loving God. What if God could be everything you wanted him to be for you. What would you want God to be. So I sat with God and I wrote in my journal what I want him to be for me. I dont know if thats selfish but I felt like it was something I had to do. It helped to ease all this pressure to do the right thing off of me. God is love and He is merciful and just writing out who I wanted him to be to me helped to know he wont let me slip and that took fear away. It was nice. A date night with Christ.
I started thinking: In church you always hear things like it will get greater later. Why cant it be greater now? Why am I waiting for God to do what he promised when my todays are here now. I can be happy now. I can love my son now. I can strive for a beautiful relationship with my Father now and that can be enough. That is enough. I am joyful now and I thank you Father for those really dark weeks I know You were there even when I couldn't hear You. I trust You and I know that the plans that You have for me are perfect and good. Thank you Daddy. Amen.
"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything, I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength,"-Philippians 4:12 NLT
P.S When I was in my lowest state God gave me a song. I found myself humming at work when I felt the depression creeping in and then I started listening to it every morning. Maybe it will help someone else.