Hungry

So this morning I got up, the empty feeling was still there. Like, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but God does. So I told Him that and I prayed. Real hard, with tears in my eyes. I told God that I didn't feel depressed (Thank you Jesus) but that I needed to be reassured that He really wants whats best for me because right now my life doesn't look like He does. Then I rushed while my son was still asleep and got in a hour work out, as I was working out I continued to talk to God and he talked back. He reminded where I was when I started 233 lbs, depressed using my sugar daddy and a alcoholic. That was 8 months ago. Today I'm down to 183 lbs I'm sober and celibate. Then He begin to remind me how I did it. How I started a 21 day fast where he literally gave me the tools to get closer to Him and I did and I was full of joy while doing it. Then he told me how comfortable I was while doing the fast, sure I was living in the home of an addict but I had my own room where I could create my own prayer space and I had a car to use so I could go escape when things got to hard. Where I am now I cant even create a prayer space, not even in a bathroom because I will get cussed out if I stay in there for too long. My car is in the shop so I can't really escape, not with a 3 year old in tow. And while I am 183 lbs now, a week ago I was 174 meaning I gained 9 lbs of the almost 60 I lost. And He told me that to say, I want girls around the world to do this fast to grow closer to Jesus but what if they are in hostile environments? What if they have to hide to pray? What if they are incredibly depressed and want to eat their feelings? What if they are broke and lost? Then what? Because I have not been applying any of the tools God has been giving me for the last 2 months. I haven't been journaling regularly, I haven't been praying for someone else. I haven't been praying about my fruit of the spirit and I really do need to be praying for self control. And while there is no formula to earn Jesus love because you cant earn what is freely given, I know what keeps me close to him. And what I did for those 21 days that I fasted kept me so incredibly close to Him. And so just because life is really really hard and I'm in a hostile environment I have to keep hold of the promise God gave me while I'm sitting here in this hard place. So Father I'm all in whether its hard or easy.  Jesus Your heart is all I'm living for. Help me to reach who You want to reach. Help me to show people that we can still follow You even when it hurts. Even when it is hard. You will never leave us and You truly do want whats best for us. Amen.