Co-parenting by Gods grace.

So as the scripturein the last post played out in my head I got all these ideas. I wanted to interview my Pastor and ask her about her life as a single minister of Christ. I tried to wrap my heart around the fact that I might never get married because that might not be Gods plan for my life and it was hard. I went to church the next day and told my Pastor about the scripture and she immediately shot it down. She said God is just taking extra time working on my husband lol.  Whew! What a relief, why would God give me such a strong desire to be a help-meet if it wasn't in his plan
"And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." -Genesis 2:18
and... Kash needs a Dad. Speaking of Kashs Dad we've both been throwing grace around. Dealing with the fact that even though our child is already 3 we still really don't want to be around each other :) And then I see God work on this mans heart. His heart that was so hardened towards our child that it is truly  Gods glory to see this man take us on an outing and even offer to pay for me. That he texts me and lets me know whats going on with him and plans out days for us to take Kash out. I even felt comfortable enough to let him watch Kash while I went to church for 2 hours. We still get angry and when the opportunity presents itself we take our jabs but still I know Gods hand is all up on this situation. Im so glad that hes getting to know Kash and Kash is so excited about it. He begs me take him to his Grandmas house and since I dont have a Mom or grandparents myself I can admit it makes me happy to know my son does. We're co parenting and I think Im starting to like it :)

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.-Psalm 37:4

Put some "respeck" on it

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Jesus I know that your God and that I need to put some respeck on your name... Is how I started off one of my many conversations that I have with the Lord.

 I just really needed to get some perspective on what was going on in my life. Does it really have to be so hard? And then God listened to me as I talked about wanting to love myself and I got up the courage to take myself out on a date. A real date, not like my outings to Veggie Grill by myself weren't real dates but this time I was going to a concert. I went to see Robert Glasper and Terrace Martin, my two favorite jazz artist. So I dropped Kash off with my Dad and then proceeded to get dolly and by dolly I mean shorts a cute top and my favorite purple vampira lip shade by Kat Von D. On my way out the door I get a call from my ex, you know, the one who helps me out with this recovery process.  He was also on the way to the concert and asked if we could just meet up.
When we got to the concert it was packed so we stayed outside and just talked. It was normal, it was innocent, it was nothing like the "We" that we used to be in the past. He helped me to gain perspective on my Dads recovery and I think he kind of understands that Im not the girl he used to have late nights and early mornings with. I wasn't even bummed that I missed the concert because after standing around long enough my ex and I both spotted Terrace Martin and Robert Glasper standing outside just chilling and guess who got to take pictures with both of them :) My night was made my ex walked me to my car and gave me a hug of course he made a smart comment about how I had him on some square stuff, but it was sweet still. Closure.

God gave me closure because that night made me realize that no matter how fine he was or how much I could relate to him he just wasn't the one and nothing could ever change that. I got home on a high feeling like I could do anything and so I called up this guy, a personal trainer who always comes into my job. I talked to him outside for about 15 minutes and I knew, he was going to be my trainer. Needless to say I have lost about 9 lbs so far and we have only been working out for about 3 weeks or so but there will be more about my trainer on my next post.

He'll Take The Pain Away

So, God gives me the idea for these journals, this blog, and a promise and then... Crickets. And then not only crickets but painful soul aching uncomfortableness. It was almost like I had to second guess myself, like God didn't you say open doors? Then why am I homeless and depressed? The funny thing is I didn't want to give up on God I actually continued to go to church and cry myself through it all. I invited people into my life trying to fix myself because clearly I had to be broken. So, ok, I am broken but it is a brokenness that only God can heal. And we all know God is close to the broken hearted (Psalm34:18) so that's a really good place for me to be. But these people I invited into my life only magnified my dysfunction and reminded me of how badly I didn't have it together( As if I didn't know that already!) And it only made me feel a million times worse and under super intense pressure to try to fix it. Then I had a nervous break down and it was scary, I slept for hours afraid to wake up to every day being the same thing. I could not deal with everyday being the same painful soul aching hopelessness that surrounded me. What happened next was what should of happened all along, I went to church and I cried out to God, not just any old cry I mean I cried from the pit of my soul. It was the most ugliest cry
 I could muster up and while I wanted to be embarrassed that I just ugly cried in front of the whole congregation I know that God had heard his daughter. Did I go to work and continue to cry in front of my manager? Yes. But he talked to me for an hour and encouraged and lifted me up and it was dope. I came out of the office full of hope. My manager even told me I needed a God crush :) I started writing scriptures on my hands when I went to work and it got to the point that I didn't have to look at them because I was living it "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. '-Isaiah 40:31
And so the weeks got easier but my gut feeling got stronger. And I begin to wonder if I was evil or crazy because I had crazy anxiety about letting a new person into my space. I tried and tried fighting what I knew wasn't a wrong feeling and continued to feel uncomfortable about it until I prayed and once again God lead me to Luke 12:57-59 and settling your differences on your own. So I tried once again to let this person in and nope she was going to drive me crazy so I cut ties with her. Just thinking back on it now, I prayed to God in April about him sending me 1 Godly friend (because I'm a introvert and I just need one) and he answered me back that day and he meant business  ;) He told me to stop looking for friends and to let Him grow me up. He told me He was going to be my friend because I wasn't ready yet. And I get it now God was right of course. But how do you tell someone that?

So the relationship ended with that person and it was just so easy that I didn't even think twice about it. I wasn't going to talk about her to anyone or try to get any advice the only opinion that mattered to me was God. About 2 days after it happened however I got strong confirmation from God that I did the right thing because she did decide she was going to discuss me with others. I say all of that just to stress, always listen to that inner voice. If you feel strongly about something your probably not wrong about it.
 I worked 4th of July so my sister took Kash with her out of the city and so I got off early and had no idea what to do. I made a vegan dinner and cleaned the  house and listened to an A.A meeting on youtube. Im going to backtrack a bit and tell you how I found the meeting. I have this ex that God told me to pray for. I got all excited thinking God was preparing him to be my husband lol, but that was the total opposite of who he had become in my life. My ex sent me the link to the meeting hes in recovery also and he kind of helps to walk me through it. So Im listening to this meeting my ex sent me to and its basically talking about how hard it is to believe in a God who is just fire brimstone and hell but what if it was a loving God. What if God could be everything you wanted him to be for you. What would you want God to be. So I sat with God and I wrote in my journal what I want him to be for me. I dont know if thats selfish but I felt like it was something I had to do. It helped to ease all this pressure to do the right thing off of me. God is love and He is merciful and just writing out who I wanted him to be to me helped to know he wont let me slip and that took fear away. It was nice. A date night with Christ.
I started thinking: In church you always hear things like it will get greater later. Why cant it be greater now? Why am I waiting for God to do what he promised when my todays are here now. I can be happy now. I can love my son now. I can strive for a beautiful relationship with my Father now and that can be enough. That is enough. I am joyful now and I thank you Father for those really dark weeks I know You were there even when I couldn't hear You. I trust You and I know that the plans that You have for me are perfect and good. Thank you Daddy. Amen.
"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything, I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength,"-Philippians 4:12 NLT
P.S When I was in my lowest state God gave me a song. I found myself humming at work when I felt the depression creeping in and then I started listening to it every morning. Maybe it will help someone else.

After the fast is over: Life crashing into you.

So our fast is over, now what? I honestly feel like I have been the only one participating in this fast and thats ok. But lets be real here. Life is crazy. It is uncertain and just when you think you have one foot moving in motion BAM something runs right into your path causing a major stumbling block. I randomly did a Daniel Fast with my church last year with only this guiding scripture . “At that time I, Daniel, mourned for three weeks. I ate no choice food; no meat or wine touched my lips; and I used no lotions at all until the three weeks were over." Daniel 10:2-3. 
I say that I randomly did a Daniel Fast because I just randomly came to church that day and they were passing out the specifics for the fast and I just felt like I should do it. What happened was that God actually started speaking to me and I was open and willing to hear His voice. It was odd the visions and ideas He would give but I remember feeling closer to Him then ever before. God became real to me. But you hear all these stories about people fasting and praying and their lives just changing for the better. You hear of miraculous change. Well, that wasn't what happened for me. It was like I opened my eyes and nothing made sense, to me. But I'm sure it made perfect sense to God where I was at and how He was going to save me. But looking at my life from the worlds standard made it easier for me to go back to my freewill and boy, let me tell you all the heartache and pain I caused myself. The end of 2015 felt as if I was in my own personal hell and then you all know how God saved me and led to do another fast (it wasn't a Daniel fast) that totally rocked my world.
Now back to our fast being over, I opened my eyes and looked at what the world would see as reality and man it sucks. It sucks so much that I found myself crying and the spirit of depression trying to cast itself on me. And after 3 people prayed for me at church BAM! Life literally ran into me. After feeling hopeless and crying a minor river I pulled it together. I tried to get all the hopeful scriptures drilled into my head like "All things work together for good for those who love Christ"or "No weapon formed against me shall prosper" but still it sucked. Still I had no answer. So while I was getting ready for work and trying to not dwell on my situation God said "Why don't you see what happened to Daniel after he fasted?" Because you see, I've read the book of Daniel before but I've never READ the book of Daniel before. And I had all the time in the world to read the book of Daniel because an uninsured motorist had ran into the back of my parked car the day before leaving me to ride the bus to work. And after a super long intro, lets talk about Daniel :)
Daniel went through a lot, but through it all he was always faithful to God, giving him much favor with the Lord. If you read Daniel 1:8 which is also one of the scriptures used sometimes for the Daniel Fast.  "But Daniel resolved that he would not defile himself with the kings food, or with the wine that he drank. Therefore he asked the chief of the eunuchs to allow him not to defile himself." Daniel did not want to dishonor God so he refused to eat the food that the king offered while Daniel and his friends were in training. God found favor among Daniel and his friends and so they were appointed to high places in the kingdom.
And then Daniels friends refuse to worship an idol and the king gets mad and tries to force them to worship the statue made of gold. And he gives them the option of worshiping the idol or getting thrown into the furnace. Well, they tell the king “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” So the king gets

so mad that he makes the furnace fire hotter then its ever been before, so hot that the guards that put them into the fire burned up as well, but as the king looked on he saw that  not only were they not being burned by the fire that there was another man walking around in the fire with them. When I read that I literally started to dance because I imagined that these three men were dancing in the fire with God. And while I'm no where near in the fire I feel like I'm in over my head. And its comforting to know that regardless to what happens to me God is with me. And I can dance and he will dance with me, Man just writing that, God is here even when we don't hear Him. We are never alone.  No matter what the outcome, if we trust in Him things will be so much sweeter. Why will it be so much sweeter? Because sometimes God does things so that he can get glory and bring people to know Him. There is nothing I want more than to lead people to Christ and give Him all the glory.
My last example is what happened before Daniel fasted and  after his fast was over. When Daniel first fasted he had a disturbing vision and he couldn't understand what it meant so he was in mourning. After his fast was over an Angel appeared to Daniel again and explained the troubling visions to him. Once again God was with Daniel and answered his prayers.
What I got from reading the book of Daniel is that problems will come. Troubles will come and sometimes you wont have the answers but God does. And because we love and trust in the Lord He will always be with us covering and protecting us. He will give us answers for those questions, visions and dreams. He will be dancing with us when our life gets tested by the fire and he will be with us promising us our inheritance with Him when he gives us visions of whats to to come. But he requires us to trust in Him no matter what. Surrender to God. Give him your whole life and everything in it and then get ready to rumble.

ps. read all of Daniel when you get the chance, the NLT version. Its just as juicy as Genesis :) 

Day 21 Jesus help me to live for you

Close your eyes and imagine what a year lived on purpose would look like for you. Did you do it? Ok, now, close your eyes again and meditate on what God has been speaking to you over these last 21 days. What is it that you thing God wants you to do? What would your life look like if for the rest of your life you set aside some time for the Lord and did exactly what he asked you to do? Do that Live for God everyday. The road isn't always going to be easy and mans best made plans will go astray but Gods plan for our life is perfect. He will never leave us or forsake us. His grace follows us always. Jesus I thank you for opening my eyes to your love. I thank you for your grace. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins and becoming my Lord and savior. I admit all of my hangups to you and I know that I cannot do it on my own. Jesus please come and take the wheel in my life.I give you all the glory and praise in Jesus mighty name I pray amen.

Day 20 Jesus over ritual

So, you go to church every Sunday and you say your prayers every night. Can you honestly say that you have a relationship with Christ? For example I used to go through the ritual of religion I would go to church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning I volunteered to lead in worship and even participated in choir. But when I got home I still lived in sin. There was no relationship with Christ. It took a series of unfortunate events to lead me to relationship. Relationship is being Christ led. I'm still going to go to church every Sunday and I'm still going to participate in activities as God leads me. I'm going to talk to God about my day. I'm going to know that even though I have a had really bad day and want to get into bed with someone to numb it that I can take it to Jesus instead. What I do matters to God. And there is no ritual that can get me closer to him. I have to know Jesus and he has to have my heart.   

Day 19 Love

God gives us great gifts, gifts that bring honor to Him. One of Gods greatest commandments is to love one another. Just love. That's it and that's all but oh Lord how hard it is to love certain people. God calls us to love regardless our greatest gifts mean nothing if we are harboring hate for another. By no means are we perfect but that is where grace comes in. Ask God how you could be more loving. Ask him how would he like for you to spread your love today and everyday . Ask him how could you be more patient and kind. Ask him to help with being jealous or rude. Ask him to help you to love like he does.