Honesty hour, every time I'm with KD I miss Fitness Man like crazy. I know I shouldn't but its just that with KD everything is so wrong we sit in silence we take constant jabs at each other and with Fitness Man it just flowed. It was natural there was no awkwardness between us,his presence just fit. Like he was always meant to be in my life.
I deleted and blocked Fitness Man about two weeks ago from everything and I keep looking for the ram in the bush lol. I keep looking for the "Surprise Angela, Fitness Man is really suppose to be your husband Im just preparing his heart for you" As if the world revolves around me. I know and I trust that if God tells me to give something up that He has something better in mind. And that better could just be being single and Im ok with that. God knows way better than I do. That's my motto. Take my will God. Take my feet. Take my heart. Use my voice. All to your glory.

What Can I Do?

Lord my heart is broken and I want to listen to Stevie Wonder songs and cry. I want to know why no one has asked me about this relationship I surrendered to you knowing how badly I wanted. Why dont they ask me how am I doing? I know its because they know what type of God you are and that you will never fail me and you will mend my heart. That you make no mistakes and all things work together to bring you glory. But Lord a lot of times it hurts. The not knowing hurts. Lord forgive me for my vanity. Forgive me for not trusting in You. Lord help my belief.

God my heart breaks for my Dad and the way he treats me. I feel manipulated because I thought he really was concerned for my well being. God I have no idea what Im feeling or what I am feeling towards him. Im just hurt and I want to fight him. I want to stand up for myself but I have to let you fight my battles. I have to honor my father. You know what your doing. I have to give this to you again.

My heart breaks for my job and wanting to fight. Lord forgive me for not having a gentle spirit. Teach me your ways oh Lord. Work out the kinks I didnt even know I had. I may cry all the time but I know Your working for me. All for your glory because the thoughts you think towards me are good.

My heart breaks for Kashs Dad(KD). Like I could be bitter and Lord if there is some sort of bittterness being formed please take it out of me. I want to fight him too. So Lord I think Im angry forgive me please and take it out of me. Help me to get my mind right. God help me not to go back to who I used to be... I give you my will take it God please. Please take it. If I have my will I will destroy myself. You are my only hope. Save me Father. My heart longs for You. Hear me Father. 

Saved and Celibate in the City

When your celibate and trying to date while being saved... So last night I went out on a date. Its this guy I met at work and hes really cool and been trying to take me out forever but I always flake. I took Kash with me and we went to dinner. As we sat at the table he told me about his ex, I decided now would be the perfect time to let him know I dont want to have sex nor do I want to kiss until Im married. Now its really hard to explain celibacy to an adult without sounding overly religious, and Im hardly religious I just have a relationship with Jesus. And about that, its even harder to explain that what Jesus thinks really matters to you because your in relationship with Him, when their not in relationship with Jesus so you just wind up sounding crazy. But I tried to explain, it went in one ear and out the other. He was like ok your celibate now but if you really start to like me you'll give me some. On the next date you can come to my house and Ill cook for you. No sir. He didn't get it and he wont be getting none of me. Still we finished our date it went great and he didn't even let me look at the bill or leave the tip. Refreshing. When we got to the car he tried to kiss me I pushed him away. When we got to my gate he tried to press up against me and kiss me.... When me and KD first started trying to be coparents I told him about my relationship with Fitness Man and how I didn't think it was going to work out because he didn't want to marry me. He nodded his head as if he heard everything I had just said and told me "I respect that, if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything."
And so as this guy continued to say eff your beliefs by trying to kiss me I pushed him off of me and yelled out "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything!" And he got it and he stopped lol. I think I'm good on the whole dating front for now.

Songs of the heart

Lord, this life of mine isn't mine at all. Take it Father and use it for Your glory. Give me a boldness to share Your word. For You have not given me a spirit of fear. Take away these desires if it can not bring glory to you. I only want to please you. I want my feet to be in constant line with Your will. Constantly moving to do better to be better but also to be still as you tell me to be. I am lost forever lost in search of my king. I stumble and then not want to get up for fear of disappointing You. I don't want to disappoint you and I know that, that was what the cross was for. For my fall and the ability to get back up and fall right back in line with you. And by falling back in line with you no longer wanting to stumble in my sins. Your love is so sweet so wonderful and You don't even have to do anything for me to feel it. Your just You. My wonderful loving Father.