Hungry

So this morning I got up, the empty feeling was still there. Like, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but God does. So I told Him that and I prayed. Real hard, with tears in my eyes. I told God that I didn't feel depressed (Thank you Jesus) but that I needed to be reassured that He really wants whats best for me because right now my life doesn't look like He does. Then I rushed while my son was still asleep and got in a hour work out, as I was working out I continued to talk to God and he talked back. He reminded where I was when I started 233 lbs, depressed using my sugar daddy and a alcoholic. That was 8 months ago. Today I'm down to 183 lbs I'm sober and celibate. Then He begin to remind me how I did it. How I started a 21 day fast where he literally gave me the tools to get closer to Him and I did and I was full of joy while doing it. Then he told me how comfortable I was while doing the fast, sure I was living in the home of an addict but I had my own room where I could create my own prayer space and I had a car to use so I could go escape when things got to hard. Where I am now I cant even create a prayer space, not even in a bathroom because I will get cussed out if I stay in there for too long. My car is in the shop so I can't really escape, not with a 3 year old in tow. And while I am 183 lbs now, a week ago I was 174 meaning I gained 9 lbs of the almost 60 I lost. And He told me that to say, I want girls around the world to do this fast to grow closer to Jesus but what if they are in hostile environments? What if they have to hide to pray? What if they are incredibly depressed and want to eat their feelings? What if they are broke and lost? Then what? Because I have not been applying any of the tools God has been giving me for the last 2 months. I haven't been journaling regularly, I haven't been praying for someone else. I haven't been praying about my fruit of the spirit and I really do need to be praying for self control. And while there is no formula to earn Jesus love because you cant earn what is freely given, I know what keeps me close to him. And what I did for those 21 days that I fasted kept me so incredibly close to Him. And so just because life is really really hard and I'm in a hostile environment I have to keep hold of the promise God gave me while I'm sitting here in this hard place. So Father I'm all in whether its hard or easy.  Jesus Your heart is all I'm living for. Help me to reach who You want to reach. Help me to show people that we can still follow You even when it hurts. Even when it is hard. You will never leave us and You truly do want whats best for us. Amen.

When you finally understand the phrase "Sometimes we laugh to keep from crying". I feel like Im drowning and no ones coming to save me. Life is a trip and Im just trying to stay a float. God these are test right? Could You help me please. Send some relief. Some assurance that I can get through this, that one day it will all make sense. I am trying to do Your will and not go off on my own path. What is your will? How long will I be here in the valley? Please help me to know that Your beside me. Please help me to know what to do next. Im lost and nothing makes sense. Im not depressed but I am feeling pretty low.

Dear God, I don't want to feel empty anymore. Anything but empty God. It's the worst feeling in the world. Please fill me up forever your all I want.

Lord while my prayer has always been may I never live outside of your will, I never thought I would. I know that I sin everyday I am so imperfect but I want to be perfect for you Father. I want to do your will everyday. I dont want to know a life where I dont live for you . God I thought I was done with temptation and lust, When you saved me from the pit of hell I thought it was finished. Father forgive me for falling short and please take my sin away. Help me not to stumble help me lean on you. Keep me in Your will father. I will worship you more loudly, more boldly and unashamed, Because my sins were many and You have forgiven me. I love you Daddy.
“Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
47“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” Luke 7:45-47

Refocus

I dont know about anyone else but sin starts in my mind. Usually I can catch the sin and put the fire out or sometimes I will water it, with music, with tv and in this paticular case browsing instagram and looking at cute couples and hating the fact that, that is not Gods will for my life right now.
So I went to church like last week and my pastor was giving us the new song for worship we(the worship team) sung it the first time with no emotion and then my Pastor gave us this mini sermon about how the song is saying God Im so unworthy but God have mercy on me. God you love me so much even with all my sins that you show me mercy everyday and that mercy can even take away the thngs that makes me sin and replace it with better. I cant say it as eloquantly as my Pastor did but it bought me to tears and so I cried durring worship(Because I am a cryer) And well the next thing I knew all these guys were after me but not fitness man. Fitness man was after my body and how badly I wanted to give it to him. But I cant, because he didnt pay the price for me. Our relationship minus a few details are completely surface and so I started talking to these new guys,boring they were all so boring. So what is it God? Why do I crave the struggling entrepreneur with a roommate rather than the safe guy with a career and a home. Could it be because I am the struggling girl trying to figure out what my career will be? Me and fitness man are completely in the exact same place in our lives right now and I wonder if that is why I crave him. Nevertheless I shared this with my Pastor and told her my plan was to finish up our last 3 sessions and never see him again.
Because I work crazy hours and because I think we like each other he works around my hours. We planned a session for 1030. And as I'm on my way to train he calls me and asks me if I can take him to get his car from downtown l.a.On the car ride there I was able to tell him this would be our last three sessions. He told me how much he didn't want them to be and how he would give me sessions for only $10 because he really wants me to keep going because Im doing so good. Our energy started to change it was so flirty so touchy. I was distracted. Kashs Dad begun to text me which only added more to the distraction. Clearly I wasnt going to work out that night. I have started to have my doubts about Kashs Dad Im pretty sure that him being absent for 3 years should have been the biggest doubt. I had questions like did he even like let alone love my son, Were we ever going to be friends and could he lead us as a family. And as fitness man and I kissed and hugged all on eachother preparing to go way to far Kashs Dad answered all my questions without even having to ask. I didnt ask him anything but he told me everything not knowing it was everything I was concerned about. What the heck is going on? Was it a full moon or something. Clearly the world was going crazy or maybe I was.
I woke up this morning with the word REFOCUS on my mind. Refocus on the kingdom, refocus on God. I have to stop watering my sin with secular music I cant look at someones life on instagram or facebook and wonder why its not happening for me. So the new game plan is to get a gym membership and to stay away from all these randoms that have been approaching. Its really God over everything. Im starting a new fast this Monday let me know if you want to join me I still have journals I can give you.

Co-parenting by Gods grace.

So as the scripturein the last post played out in my head I got all these ideas. I wanted to interview my Pastor and ask her about her life as a single minister of Christ. I tried to wrap my heart around the fact that I might never get married because that might not be Gods plan for my life and it was hard. I went to church the next day and told my Pastor about the scripture and she immediately shot it down. She said God is just taking extra time working on my husband lol.  Whew! What a relief, why would God give me such a strong desire to be a help-meet if it wasn't in his plan
"And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." -Genesis 2:18
and... Kash needs a Dad. Speaking of Kashs Dad we've both been throwing grace around. Dealing with the fact that even though our child is already 3 we still really don't want to be around each other :) And then I see God work on this mans heart. His heart that was so hardened towards our child that it is truly  Gods glory to see this man take us on an outing and even offer to pay for me. That he texts me and lets me know whats going on with him and plans out days for us to take Kash out. I even felt comfortable enough to let him watch Kash while I went to church for 2 hours. We still get angry and when the opportunity presents itself we take our jabs but still I know Gods hand is all up on this situation. Im so glad that hes getting to know Kash and Kash is so excited about it. He begs me take him to his Grandmas house and since I dont have a Mom or grandparents myself I can admit it makes me happy to know my son does. We're co parenting and I think Im starting to like it :)

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.-Psalm 37:4

Put some "respeck" on it

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Jesus I know that your God and that I need to put some respeck on your name... Is how I started off one of my many conversations that I have with the Lord.

 I just really needed to get some perspective on what was going on in my life. Does it really have to be so hard? And then God listened to me as I talked about wanting to love myself and I got up the courage to take myself out on a date. A real date, not like my outings to Veggie Grill by myself weren't real dates but this time I was going to a concert. I went to see Robert Glasper and Terrace Martin, my two favorite jazz artist. So I dropped Kash off with my Dad and then proceeded to get dolly and by dolly I mean shorts a cute top and my favorite purple vampira lip shade by Kat Von D. On my way out the door I get a call from my ex, you know, the one who helps me out with this recovery process.  He was also on the way to the concert and asked if we could just meet up.
When we got to the concert it was packed so we stayed outside and just talked. It was normal, it was innocent, it was nothing like the "We" that we used to be in the past. He helped me to gain perspective on my Dads recovery and I think he kind of understands that Im not the girl he used to have late nights and early mornings with. I wasn't even bummed that I missed the concert because after standing around long enough my ex and I both spotted Terrace Martin and Robert Glasper standing outside just chilling and guess who got to take pictures with both of them :) My night was made my ex walked me to my car and gave me a hug of course he made a smart comment about how I had him on some square stuff, but it was sweet still. Closure.

God gave me closure because that night made me realize that no matter how fine he was or how much I could relate to him he just wasn't the one and nothing could ever change that. I got home on a high feeling like I could do anything and so I called up this guy, a personal trainer who always comes into my job. I talked to him outside for about 15 minutes and I knew, he was going to be my trainer. Needless to say I have lost about 9 lbs so far and we have only been working out for about 3 weeks or so but there will be more about my trainer on my next post.