Clean.

I was talking to an ex a couple of days ago and since we are both in recovery I thought what better time than now to make amends with him. Well instead of being the recovery counselor that he is, he instantly wanted to remind me of my past. I got off the phone with him and had these two thoughts; if I'm doing all this work and people are still going to think of me as a drunk and a hoe then whats the purpose and I definitely don't need to have someone like him in my life at all especially during the recovery process I'm in.
I have a friend and she is my closest friend and because shes always grinding at work and I'm a single Mom we rarely get to catch up, so we set a date. When the day came I instantly began to dread it. As an introvert even though I love my friends I can give you a million and one reasons why I should be at home with Kash. I recognize that and really cherish my friendship so I got online and looked on yelp for a vegan restaurant. I found one with really awesome reviews called The Grain Cafe. Its a pretty awesome place and my waiter helped me find a Daniel Fast friendly meal.

The Grain Cafe

Anyways as we ate me and my friend caught up with eachother. I told her about the conversation with my ex and how it left me feeling and she asked me, "Why have you changed so much? What are you doing this for?" The best answer would of been because of Jesus. Because its true Jesus has changed my life. I cant remember the answer but she told me "I think it bothers you more that you think that you used to be a hoe more then it bothers anybody else." And that was it. That is  the answer. That my old self the one that died when I came to have a relationship with Jesus keeps trying to pop up. I know that I'm a new creation in Christ but I keep believing the lies that I'm still the same. And so instead of letting go of my life I work even harder to prove that I am different when Jesus has started a work in me already and is fighting the battle of the lies the enemy tries to spew at me.
I don't know if this is just for me or for someone else but YOUR DIFFERENT and it doesn't have anything to do with you but with Christ. Let your life go, lay your life down and give it to God. Don't do a good work just for show don't do it just to prove something to yourself. Do it because God leads you to. I want God to have my whole day, everyday. I want his approval and not the worlds. I may still look like a promiscuous girl to my ex. People may even be betting on me that I will go back to my old ways but at this point none of that matters. The worlds approval means nothing to me because I live for an audience of one, Christ, and I just want to do His will. Jesus has washed me clean.

"Clean" by Natalie Grant

I see shattered

You see whole

I see broken

But You see beautiful

And You're helping me to believe

You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

What was dead now lives again

My heart's beating, beating inside my chest

Oh I'm coming alive with joy and destiny

Cause You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice

Your blood flowed red and made me white

My dirty rags are purified

I am clean