Honesty hour, every time I'm with KD I miss Fitness Man like crazy. I know I shouldn't but its just that with KD everything is so wrong we sit in silence we take constant jabs at each other and with Fitness Man it just flowed. It was natural there was no awkwardness between us,his presence just fit. Like he was always meant to be in my life.
I deleted and blocked Fitness Man about two weeks ago from everything and I keep looking for the ram in the bush lol. I keep looking for the "Surprise Angela, Fitness Man is really suppose to be your husband Im just preparing his heart for you" As if the world revolves around me. I know and I trust that if God tells me to give something up that He has something better in mind. And that better could just be being single and Im ok with that. God knows way better than I do. That's my motto. Take my will God. Take my feet. Take my heart. Use my voice. All to your glory.

What Can I Do?

Lord my heart is broken and I want to listen to Stevie Wonder songs and cry. I want to know why no one has asked me about this relationship I surrendered to you knowing how badly I wanted. Why dont they ask me how am I doing? I know its because they know what type of God you are and that you will never fail me and you will mend my heart. That you make no mistakes and all things work together to bring you glory. But Lord a lot of times it hurts. The not knowing hurts. Lord forgive me for my vanity. Forgive me for not trusting in You. Lord help my belief.

God my heart breaks for my Dad and the way he treats me. I feel manipulated because I thought he really was concerned for my well being. God I have no idea what Im feeling or what I am feeling towards him. Im just hurt and I want to fight him. I want to stand up for myself but I have to let you fight my battles. I have to honor my father. You know what your doing. I have to give this to you again.

My heart breaks for my job and wanting to fight. Lord forgive me for not having a gentle spirit. Teach me your ways oh Lord. Work out the kinks I didnt even know I had. I may cry all the time but I know Your working for me. All for your glory because the thoughts you think towards me are good.

My heart breaks for Kashs Dad(KD). Like I could be bitter and Lord if there is some sort of bittterness being formed please take it out of me. I want to fight him too. So Lord I think Im angry forgive me please and take it out of me. Help me to get my mind right. God help me not to go back to who I used to be... I give you my will take it God please. Please take it. If I have my will I will destroy myself. You are my only hope. Save me Father. My heart longs for You. Hear me Father. 

Saved and Celibate in the City

When your celibate and trying to date while being saved... So last night I went out on a date. Its this guy I met at work and hes really cool and been trying to take me out forever but I always flake. I took Kash with me and we went to dinner. As we sat at the table he told me about his ex, I decided now would be the perfect time to let him know I dont want to have sex nor do I want to kiss until Im married. Now its really hard to explain celibacy to an adult without sounding overly religious, and Im hardly religious I just have a relationship with Jesus. And about that, its even harder to explain that what Jesus thinks really matters to you because your in relationship with Him, when their not in relationship with Jesus so you just wind up sounding crazy. But I tried to explain, it went in one ear and out the other. He was like ok your celibate now but if you really start to like me you'll give me some. On the next date you can come to my house and Ill cook for you. No sir. He didn't get it and he wont be getting none of me. Still we finished our date it went great and he didn't even let me look at the bill or leave the tip. Refreshing. When we got to the car he tried to kiss me I pushed him away. When we got to my gate he tried to press up against me and kiss me.... When me and KD first started trying to be coparents I told him about my relationship with Fitness Man and how I didn't think it was going to work out because he didn't want to marry me. He nodded his head as if he heard everything I had just said and told me "I respect that, if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything."
And so as this guy continued to say eff your beliefs by trying to kiss me I pushed him off of me and yelled out "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything!" And he got it and he stopped lol. I think I'm good on the whole dating front for now.

Songs of the heart

Lord, this life of mine isn't mine at all. Take it Father and use it for Your glory. Give me a boldness to share Your word. For You have not given me a spirit of fear. Take away these desires if it can not bring glory to you. I only want to please you. I want my feet to be in constant line with Your will. Constantly moving to do better to be better but also to be still as you tell me to be. I am lost forever lost in search of my king. I stumble and then not want to get up for fear of disappointing You. I don't want to disappoint you and I know that, that was what the cross was for. For my fall and the ability to get back up and fall right back in line with you. And by falling back in line with you no longer wanting to stumble in my sins. Your love is so sweet so wonderful and You don't even have to do anything for me to feel it. Your just You. My wonderful loving Father.

Hungry

So this morning I got up, the empty feeling was still there. Like, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but God does. So I told Him that and I prayed. Real hard, with tears in my eyes. I told God that I didn't feel depressed (Thank you Jesus) but that I needed to be reassured that He really wants whats best for me because right now my life doesn't look like He does. Then I rushed while my son was still asleep and got in a hour work out, as I was working out I continued to talk to God and he talked back. He reminded where I was when I started 233 lbs, depressed using my sugar daddy and a alcoholic. That was 8 months ago. Today I'm down to 183 lbs I'm sober and celibate. Then He begin to remind me how I did it. How I started a 21 day fast where he literally gave me the tools to get closer to Him and I did and I was full of joy while doing it. Then he told me how comfortable I was while doing the fast, sure I was living in the home of an addict but I had my own room where I could create my own prayer space and I had a car to use so I could go escape when things got to hard. Where I am now I cant even create a prayer space, not even in a bathroom because I will get cussed out if I stay in there for too long. My car is in the shop so I can't really escape, not with a 3 year old in tow. And while I am 183 lbs now, a week ago I was 174 meaning I gained 9 lbs of the almost 60 I lost. And He told me that to say, I want girls around the world to do this fast to grow closer to Jesus but what if they are in hostile environments? What if they have to hide to pray? What if they are incredibly depressed and want to eat their feelings? What if they are broke and lost? Then what? Because I have not been applying any of the tools God has been giving me for the last 2 months. I haven't been journaling regularly, I haven't been praying for someone else. I haven't been praying about my fruit of the spirit and I really do need to be praying for self control. And while there is no formula to earn Jesus love because you cant earn what is freely given, I know what keeps me close to him. And what I did for those 21 days that I fasted kept me so incredibly close to Him. And so just because life is really really hard and I'm in a hostile environment I have to keep hold of the promise God gave me while I'm sitting here in this hard place. So Father I'm all in whether its hard or easy.  Jesus Your heart is all I'm living for. Help me to reach who You want to reach. Help me to show people that we can still follow You even when it hurts. Even when it is hard. You will never leave us and You truly do want whats best for us. Amen.

When you finally understand the phrase "Sometimes we laugh to keep from crying". I feel like Im drowning and no ones coming to save me. Life is a trip and Im just trying to stay a float. God these are test right? Could You help me please. Send some relief. Some assurance that I can get through this, that one day it will all make sense. I am trying to do Your will and not go off on my own path. What is your will? How long will I be here in the valley? Please help me to know that Your beside me. Please help me to know what to do next. Im lost and nothing makes sense. Im not depressed but I am feeling pretty low.

Dear God, I don't want to feel empty anymore. Anything but empty God. It's the worst feeling in the world. Please fill me up forever your all I want.