Honesty hour, every time I'm with KD I miss Fitness Man like crazy. I know I shouldn't but its just that with KD everything is so wrong we sit in silence we take constant jabs at each other and with Fitness Man it just flowed. It was natural there was no awkwardness between us,his presence just fit. Like he was always meant to be in my life.
I deleted and blocked Fitness Man about two weeks ago from everything and I keep looking for the ram in the bush lol. I keep looking for the "Surprise Angela, Fitness Man is really suppose to be your husband Im just preparing his heart for you" As if the world revolves around me. I know and I trust that if God tells me to give something up that He has something better in mind. And that better could just be being single and Im ok with that. God knows way better than I do. That's my motto. Take my will God. Take my feet. Take my heart. Use my voice. All to your glory.

What Can I Do?

Lord my heart is broken and I want to listen to Stevie Wonder songs and cry. I want to know why no one has asked me about this relationship I surrendered to you knowing how badly I wanted. Why dont they ask me how am I doing? I know its because they know what type of God you are and that you will never fail me and you will mend my heart. That you make no mistakes and all things work together to bring you glory. But Lord a lot of times it hurts. The not knowing hurts. Lord forgive me for my vanity. Forgive me for not trusting in You. Lord help my belief.

God my heart breaks for my Dad and the way he treats me. I feel manipulated because I thought he really was concerned for my well being. God I have no idea what Im feeling or what I am feeling towards him. Im just hurt and I want to fight him. I want to stand up for myself but I have to let you fight my battles. I have to honor my father. You know what your doing. I have to give this to you again.

My heart breaks for my job and wanting to fight. Lord forgive me for not having a gentle spirit. Teach me your ways oh Lord. Work out the kinks I didnt even know I had. I may cry all the time but I know Your working for me. All for your glory because the thoughts you think towards me are good.

My heart breaks for Kashs Dad(KD). Like I could be bitter and Lord if there is some sort of bittterness being formed please take it out of me. I want to fight him too. So Lord I think Im angry forgive me please and take it out of me. Help me to get my mind right. God help me not to go back to who I used to be... I give you my will take it God please. Please take it. If I have my will I will destroy myself. You are my only hope. Save me Father. My heart longs for You. Hear me Father. 

Saved and Celibate in the City

When your celibate and trying to date while being saved... So last night I went out on a date. Its this guy I met at work and hes really cool and been trying to take me out forever but I always flake. I took Kash with me and we went to dinner. As we sat at the table he told me about his ex, I decided now would be the perfect time to let him know I dont want to have sex nor do I want to kiss until Im married. Now its really hard to explain celibacy to an adult without sounding overly religious, and Im hardly religious I just have a relationship with Jesus. And about that, its even harder to explain that what Jesus thinks really matters to you because your in relationship with Him, when their not in relationship with Jesus so you just wind up sounding crazy. But I tried to explain, it went in one ear and out the other. He was like ok your celibate now but if you really start to like me you'll give me some. On the next date you can come to my house and Ill cook for you. No sir. He didn't get it and he wont be getting none of me. Still we finished our date it went great and he didn't even let me look at the bill or leave the tip. Refreshing. When we got to the car he tried to kiss me I pushed him away. When we got to my gate he tried to press up against me and kiss me.... When me and KD first started trying to be coparents I told him about my relationship with Fitness Man and how I didn't think it was going to work out because he didn't want to marry me. He nodded his head as if he heard everything I had just said and told me "I respect that, if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything."
And so as this guy continued to say eff your beliefs by trying to kiss me I pushed him off of me and yelled out "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything!" And he got it and he stopped lol. I think I'm good on the whole dating front for now.

Songs of the heart

Lord, this life of mine isn't mine at all. Take it Father and use it for Your glory. Give me a boldness to share Your word. For You have not given me a spirit of fear. Take away these desires if it can not bring glory to you. I only want to please you. I want my feet to be in constant line with Your will. Constantly moving to do better to be better but also to be still as you tell me to be. I am lost forever lost in search of my king. I stumble and then not want to get up for fear of disappointing You. I don't want to disappoint you and I know that, that was what the cross was for. For my fall and the ability to get back up and fall right back in line with you. And by falling back in line with you no longer wanting to stumble in my sins. Your love is so sweet so wonderful and You don't even have to do anything for me to feel it. Your just You. My wonderful loving Father.

Hungry

So this morning I got up, the empty feeling was still there. Like, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but God does. So I told Him that and I prayed. Real hard, with tears in my eyes. I told God that I didn't feel depressed (Thank you Jesus) but that I needed to be reassured that He really wants whats best for me because right now my life doesn't look like He does. Then I rushed while my son was still asleep and got in a hour work out, as I was working out I continued to talk to God and he talked back. He reminded where I was when I started 233 lbs, depressed using my sugar daddy and a alcoholic. That was 8 months ago. Today I'm down to 183 lbs I'm sober and celibate. Then He begin to remind me how I did it. How I started a 21 day fast where he literally gave me the tools to get closer to Him and I did and I was full of joy while doing it. Then he told me how comfortable I was while doing the fast, sure I was living in the home of an addict but I had my own room where I could create my own prayer space and I had a car to use so I could go escape when things got to hard. Where I am now I cant even create a prayer space, not even in a bathroom because I will get cussed out if I stay in there for too long. My car is in the shop so I can't really escape, not with a 3 year old in tow. And while I am 183 lbs now, a week ago I was 174 meaning I gained 9 lbs of the almost 60 I lost. And He told me that to say, I want girls around the world to do this fast to grow closer to Jesus but what if they are in hostile environments? What if they have to hide to pray? What if they are incredibly depressed and want to eat their feelings? What if they are broke and lost? Then what? Because I have not been applying any of the tools God has been giving me for the last 2 months. I haven't been journaling regularly, I haven't been praying for someone else. I haven't been praying about my fruit of the spirit and I really do need to be praying for self control. And while there is no formula to earn Jesus love because you cant earn what is freely given, I know what keeps me close to him. And what I did for those 21 days that I fasted kept me so incredibly close to Him. And so just because life is really really hard and I'm in a hostile environment I have to keep hold of the promise God gave me while I'm sitting here in this hard place. So Father I'm all in whether its hard or easy.  Jesus Your heart is all I'm living for. Help me to reach who You want to reach. Help me to show people that we can still follow You even when it hurts. Even when it is hard. You will never leave us and You truly do want whats best for us. Amen.

When you finally understand the phrase "Sometimes we laugh to keep from crying". I feel like Im drowning and no ones coming to save me. Life is a trip and Im just trying to stay a float. God these are test right? Could You help me please. Send some relief. Some assurance that I can get through this, that one day it will all make sense. I am trying to do Your will and not go off on my own path. What is your will? How long will I be here in the valley? Please help me to know that Your beside me. Please help me to know what to do next. Im lost and nothing makes sense. Im not depressed but I am feeling pretty low.

Dear God, I don't want to feel empty anymore. Anything but empty God. It's the worst feeling in the world. Please fill me up forever your all I want.

Lord while my prayer has always been may I never live outside of your will, I never thought I would. I know that I sin everyday I am so imperfect but I want to be perfect for you Father. I want to do your will everyday. I dont want to know a life where I dont live for you . God I thought I was done with temptation and lust, When you saved me from the pit of hell I thought it was finished. Father forgive me for falling short and please take my sin away. Help me not to stumble help me lean on you. Keep me in Your will father. I will worship you more loudly, more boldly and unashamed, Because my sins were many and You have forgiven me. I love you Daddy.
“Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
47“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” Luke 7:45-47

Refocus

I dont know about anyone else but sin starts in my mind. Usually I can catch the sin and put the fire out or sometimes I will water it, with music, with tv and in this paticular case browsing instagram and looking at cute couples and hating the fact that, that is not Gods will for my life right now.
So I went to church like last week and my pastor was giving us the new song for worship we(the worship team) sung it the first time with no emotion and then my Pastor gave us this mini sermon about how the song is saying God Im so unworthy but God have mercy on me. God you love me so much even with all my sins that you show me mercy everyday and that mercy can even take away the thngs that makes me sin and replace it with better. I cant say it as eloquantly as my Pastor did but it bought me to tears and so I cried durring worship(Because I am a cryer) And well the next thing I knew all these guys were after me but not fitness man. Fitness man was after my body and how badly I wanted to give it to him. But I cant, because he didnt pay the price for me. Our relationship minus a few details are completely surface and so I started talking to these new guys,boring they were all so boring. So what is it God? Why do I crave the struggling entrepreneur with a roommate rather than the safe guy with a career and a home. Could it be because I am the struggling girl trying to figure out what my career will be? Me and fitness man are completely in the exact same place in our lives right now and I wonder if that is why I crave him. Nevertheless I shared this with my Pastor and told her my plan was to finish up our last 3 sessions and never see him again.
Because I work crazy hours and because I think we like each other he works around my hours. We planned a session for 1030. And as I'm on my way to train he calls me and asks me if I can take him to get his car from downtown l.a.On the car ride there I was able to tell him this would be our last three sessions. He told me how much he didn't want them to be and how he would give me sessions for only $10 because he really wants me to keep going because Im doing so good. Our energy started to change it was so flirty so touchy. I was distracted. Kashs Dad begun to text me which only added more to the distraction. Clearly I wasnt going to work out that night. I have started to have my doubts about Kashs Dad Im pretty sure that him being absent for 3 years should have been the biggest doubt. I had questions like did he even like let alone love my son, Were we ever going to be friends and could he lead us as a family. And as fitness man and I kissed and hugged all on eachother preparing to go way to far Kashs Dad answered all my questions without even having to ask. I didnt ask him anything but he told me everything not knowing it was everything I was concerned about. What the heck is going on? Was it a full moon or something. Clearly the world was going crazy or maybe I was.
I woke up this morning with the word REFOCUS on my mind. Refocus on the kingdom, refocus on God. I have to stop watering my sin with secular music I cant look at someones life on instagram or facebook and wonder why its not happening for me. So the new game plan is to get a gym membership and to stay away from all these randoms that have been approaching. Its really God over everything. Im starting a new fast this Monday let me know if you want to join me I still have journals I can give you.

Co-parenting by Gods grace.

So as the scripturein the last post played out in my head I got all these ideas. I wanted to interview my Pastor and ask her about her life as a single minister of Christ. I tried to wrap my heart around the fact that I might never get married because that might not be Gods plan for my life and it was hard. I went to church the next day and told my Pastor about the scripture and she immediately shot it down. She said God is just taking extra time working on my husband lol.  Whew! What a relief, why would God give me such a strong desire to be a help-meet if it wasn't in his plan
"And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." -Genesis 2:18
and... Kash needs a Dad. Speaking of Kashs Dad we've both been throwing grace around. Dealing with the fact that even though our child is already 3 we still really don't want to be around each other :) And then I see God work on this mans heart. His heart that was so hardened towards our child that it is truly  Gods glory to see this man take us on an outing and even offer to pay for me. That he texts me and lets me know whats going on with him and plans out days for us to take Kash out. I even felt comfortable enough to let him watch Kash while I went to church for 2 hours. We still get angry and when the opportunity presents itself we take our jabs but still I know Gods hand is all up on this situation. Im so glad that hes getting to know Kash and Kash is so excited about it. He begs me take him to his Grandmas house and since I dont have a Mom or grandparents myself I can admit it makes me happy to know my son does. We're co parenting and I think Im starting to like it :)

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.-Psalm 37:4

Put some "respeck" on it

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Jesus I know that your God and that I need to put some respeck on your name... Is how I started off one of my many conversations that I have with the Lord.

 I just really needed to get some perspective on what was going on in my life. Does it really have to be so hard? And then God listened to me as I talked about wanting to love myself and I got up the courage to take myself out on a date. A real date, not like my outings to Veggie Grill by myself weren't real dates but this time I was going to a concert. I went to see Robert Glasper and Terrace Martin, my two favorite jazz artist. So I dropped Kash off with my Dad and then proceeded to get dolly and by dolly I mean shorts a cute top and my favorite purple vampira lip shade by Kat Von D. On my way out the door I get a call from my ex, you know, the one who helps me out with this recovery process.  He was also on the way to the concert and asked if we could just meet up.
When we got to the concert it was packed so we stayed outside and just talked. It was normal, it was innocent, it was nothing like the "We" that we used to be in the past. He helped me to gain perspective on my Dads recovery and I think he kind of understands that Im not the girl he used to have late nights and early mornings with. I wasn't even bummed that I missed the concert because after standing around long enough my ex and I both spotted Terrace Martin and Robert Glasper standing outside just chilling and guess who got to take pictures with both of them :) My night was made my ex walked me to my car and gave me a hug of course he made a smart comment about how I had him on some square stuff, but it was sweet still. Closure.

God gave me closure because that night made me realize that no matter how fine he was or how much I could relate to him he just wasn't the one and nothing could ever change that. I got home on a high feeling like I could do anything and so I called up this guy, a personal trainer who always comes into my job. I talked to him outside for about 15 minutes and I knew, he was going to be my trainer. Needless to say I have lost about 9 lbs so far and we have only been working out for about 3 weeks or so but there will be more about my trainer on my next post.

He'll Take The Pain Away

So, God gives me the idea for these journals, this blog, and a promise and then... Crickets. And then not only crickets but painful soul aching uncomfortableness. It was almost like I had to second guess myself, like God didn't you say open doors? Then why am I homeless and depressed? The funny thing is I didn't want to give up on God I actually continued to go to church and cry myself through it all. I invited people into my life trying to fix myself because clearly I had to be broken. So, ok, I am broken but it is a brokenness that only God can heal. And we all know God is close to the broken hearted (Psalm34:18) so that's a really good place for me to be. But these people I invited into my life only magnified my dysfunction and reminded me of how badly I didn't have it together( As if I didn't know that already!) And it only made me feel a million times worse and under super intense pressure to try to fix it. Then I had a nervous break down and it was scary, I slept for hours afraid to wake up to every day being the same thing. I could not deal with everyday being the same painful soul aching hopelessness that surrounded me. What happened next was what should of happened all along, I went to church and I cried out to God, not just any old cry I mean I cried from the pit of my soul. It was the most ugliest cry
 I could muster up and while I wanted to be embarrassed that I just ugly cried in front of the whole congregation I know that God had heard his daughter. Did I go to work and continue to cry in front of my manager? Yes. But he talked to me for an hour and encouraged and lifted me up and it was dope. I came out of the office full of hope. My manager even told me I needed a God crush :) I started writing scriptures on my hands when I went to work and it got to the point that I didn't have to look at them because I was living it "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. '-Isaiah 40:31
And so the weeks got easier but my gut feeling got stronger. And I begin to wonder if I was evil or crazy because I had crazy anxiety about letting a new person into my space. I tried and tried fighting what I knew wasn't a wrong feeling and continued to feel uncomfortable about it until I prayed and once again God lead me to Luke 12:57-59 and settling your differences on your own. So I tried once again to let this person in and nope she was going to drive me crazy so I cut ties with her. Just thinking back on it now, I prayed to God in April about him sending me 1 Godly friend (because I'm a introvert and I just need one) and he answered me back that day and he meant business  ;) He told me to stop looking for friends and to let Him grow me up. He told me He was going to be my friend because I wasn't ready yet. And I get it now God was right of course. But how do you tell someone that?

So the relationship ended with that person and it was just so easy that I didn't even think twice about it. I wasn't going to talk about her to anyone or try to get any advice the only opinion that mattered to me was God. About 2 days after it happened however I got strong confirmation from God that I did the right thing because she did decide she was going to discuss me with others. I say all of that just to stress, always listen to that inner voice. If you feel strongly about something your probably not wrong about it.
 I worked 4th of July so my sister took Kash with her out of the city and so I got off early and had no idea what to do. I made a vegan dinner and cleaned the  house and listened to an A.A meeting on youtube. Im going to backtrack a bit and tell you how I found the meeting. I have this ex that God told me to pray for. I got all excited thinking God was preparing him to be my husband lol, but that was the total opposite of who he had become in my life. My ex sent me the link to the meeting hes in recovery also and he kind of helps to walk me through it. So Im listening to this meeting my ex sent me to and its basically talking about how hard it is to believe in a God who is just fire brimstone and hell but what if it was a loving God. What if God could be everything you wanted him to be for you. What would you want God to be. So I sat with God and I wrote in my journal what I want him to be for me. I dont know if thats selfish but I felt like it was something I had to do. It helped to ease all this pressure to do the right thing off of me. God is love and He is merciful and just writing out who I wanted him to be to me helped to know he wont let me slip and that took fear away. It was nice. A date night with Christ.
I started thinking: In church you always hear things like it will get greater later. Why cant it be greater now? Why am I waiting for God to do what he promised when my todays are here now. I can be happy now. I can love my son now. I can strive for a beautiful relationship with my Father now and that can be enough. That is enough. I am joyful now and I thank you Father for those really dark weeks I know You were there even when I couldn't hear You. I trust You and I know that the plans that You have for me are perfect and good. Thank you Daddy. Amen.
"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything, I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength,"-Philippians 4:12 NLT
P.S When I was in my lowest state God gave me a song. I found myself humming at work when I felt the depression creeping in and then I started listening to it every morning. Maybe it will help someone else.

After the fast is over: Life crashing into you.

So our fast is over, now what? I honestly feel like I have been the only one participating in this fast and thats ok. But lets be real here. Life is crazy. It is uncertain and just when you think you have one foot moving in motion BAM something runs right into your path causing a major stumbling block. I randomly did a Daniel Fast with my church last year with only this guiding scripture . “At that time I, Daniel, mourned for three weeks. I ate no choice food; no meat or wine touched my lips; and I used no lotions at all until the three weeks were over." Daniel 10:2-3. 
I say that I randomly did a Daniel Fast because I just randomly came to church that day and they were passing out the specifics for the fast and I just felt like I should do it. What happened was that God actually started speaking to me and I was open and willing to hear His voice. It was odd the visions and ideas He would give but I remember feeling closer to Him then ever before. God became real to me. But you hear all these stories about people fasting and praying and their lives just changing for the better. You hear of miraculous change. Well, that wasn't what happened for me. It was like I opened my eyes and nothing made sense, to me. But I'm sure it made perfect sense to God where I was at and how He was going to save me. But looking at my life from the worlds standard made it easier for me to go back to my freewill and boy, let me tell you all the heartache and pain I caused myself. The end of 2015 felt as if I was in my own personal hell and then you all know how God saved me and led to do another fast (it wasn't a Daniel fast) that totally rocked my world.
Now back to our fast being over, I opened my eyes and looked at what the world would see as reality and man it sucks. It sucks so much that I found myself crying and the spirit of depression trying to cast itself on me. And after 3 people prayed for me at church BAM! Life literally ran into me. After feeling hopeless and crying a minor river I pulled it together. I tried to get all the hopeful scriptures drilled into my head like "All things work together for good for those who love Christ"or "No weapon formed against me shall prosper" but still it sucked. Still I had no answer. So while I was getting ready for work and trying to not dwell on my situation God said "Why don't you see what happened to Daniel after he fasted?" Because you see, I've read the book of Daniel before but I've never READ the book of Daniel before. And I had all the time in the world to read the book of Daniel because an uninsured motorist had ran into the back of my parked car the day before leaving me to ride the bus to work. And after a super long intro, lets talk about Daniel :)
Daniel went through a lot, but through it all he was always faithful to God, giving him much favor with the Lord. If you read Daniel 1:8 which is also one of the scriptures used sometimes for the Daniel Fast.  "But Daniel resolved that he would not defile himself with the kings food, or with the wine that he drank. Therefore he asked the chief of the eunuchs to allow him not to defile himself." Daniel did not want to dishonor God so he refused to eat the food that the king offered while Daniel and his friends were in training. God found favor among Daniel and his friends and so they were appointed to high places in the kingdom.
And then Daniels friends refuse to worship an idol and the king gets mad and tries to force them to worship the statue made of gold. And he gives them the option of worshiping the idol or getting thrown into the furnace. Well, they tell the king “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” So the king gets

so mad that he makes the furnace fire hotter then its ever been before, so hot that the guards that put them into the fire burned up as well, but as the king looked on he saw that  not only were they not being burned by the fire that there was another man walking around in the fire with them. When I read that I literally started to dance because I imagined that these three men were dancing in the fire with God. And while I'm no where near in the fire I feel like I'm in over my head. And its comforting to know that regardless to what happens to me God is with me. And I can dance and he will dance with me, Man just writing that, God is here even when we don't hear Him. We are never alone.  No matter what the outcome, if we trust in Him things will be so much sweeter. Why will it be so much sweeter? Because sometimes God does things so that he can get glory and bring people to know Him. There is nothing I want more than to lead people to Christ and give Him all the glory.
My last example is what happened before Daniel fasted and  after his fast was over. When Daniel first fasted he had a disturbing vision and he couldn't understand what it meant so he was in mourning. After his fast was over an Angel appeared to Daniel again and explained the troubling visions to him. Once again God was with Daniel and answered his prayers.
What I got from reading the book of Daniel is that problems will come. Troubles will come and sometimes you wont have the answers but God does. And because we love and trust in the Lord He will always be with us covering and protecting us. He will give us answers for those questions, visions and dreams. He will be dancing with us when our life gets tested by the fire and he will be with us promising us our inheritance with Him when he gives us visions of whats to to come. But he requires us to trust in Him no matter what. Surrender to God. Give him your whole life and everything in it and then get ready to rumble.

ps. read all of Daniel when you get the chance, the NLT version. Its just as juicy as Genesis :) 

Day 21 Jesus help me to live for you

Close your eyes and imagine what a year lived on purpose would look like for you. Did you do it? Ok, now, close your eyes again and meditate on what God has been speaking to you over these last 21 days. What is it that you thing God wants you to do? What would your life look like if for the rest of your life you set aside some time for the Lord and did exactly what he asked you to do? Do that Live for God everyday. The road isn't always going to be easy and mans best made plans will go astray but Gods plan for our life is perfect. He will never leave us or forsake us. His grace follows us always. Jesus I thank you for opening my eyes to your love. I thank you for your grace. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins and becoming my Lord and savior. I admit all of my hangups to you and I know that I cannot do it on my own. Jesus please come and take the wheel in my life.I give you all the glory and praise in Jesus mighty name I pray amen.

Day 20 Jesus over ritual

So, you go to church every Sunday and you say your prayers every night. Can you honestly say that you have a relationship with Christ? For example I used to go through the ritual of religion I would go to church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning I volunteered to lead in worship and even participated in choir. But when I got home I still lived in sin. There was no relationship with Christ. It took a series of unfortunate events to lead me to relationship. Relationship is being Christ led. I'm still going to go to church every Sunday and I'm still going to participate in activities as God leads me. I'm going to talk to God about my day. I'm going to know that even though I have a had really bad day and want to get into bed with someone to numb it that I can take it to Jesus instead. What I do matters to God. And there is no ritual that can get me closer to him. I have to know Jesus and he has to have my heart.   

Day 19 Love

God gives us great gifts, gifts that bring honor to Him. One of Gods greatest commandments is to love one another. Just love. That's it and that's all but oh Lord how hard it is to love certain people. God calls us to love regardless our greatest gifts mean nothing if we are harboring hate for another. By no means are we perfect but that is where grace comes in. Ask God how you could be more loving. Ask him how would he like for you to spread your love today and everyday . Ask him how could you be more patient and kind. Ask him to help with being jealous or rude. Ask him to help you to love like he does.

Day 18 Tithing

Tithing, one of the things that turns most people off about church but is so real for your relationship with Christ. One thing people don’t understand is that you can pretty much tithe into anything that is going to bless someone else or that God had placed on your heart. When I stopped going to church or knew I couldn't make it I would give my tithes to the homeless.God gives us everything he is the reason we are working and he is the signer of our checks. Honor Him with his 10 percent there is nothing God takes from us that he doesn’t replace with better.

Day 17 Help Someone Else

It could be something as small as buying a bag for someone at the grocery store or something big like getting your church together to feed the homeless. Just find something to do for someone else. Meditate on Gods word and then ask him to lead you to someone you can help.

Day 16 Trust God, then share God

Ok. So, when you really decide to follow God, I mean live a life that is just all out, sold out completely in it for the love of Jesus your going to have to be transparent. Transparency is so hard. At least for me it is I am so shy and I care way to much what people think of me but God deals with me.  God deals with me about my testimony or admitting to someone when I'm feeling week or low. Your well being matters to God. The work your going to do to grow his kingdom matters and you cant do that without being completely honest with that's going on in your heart. My challenge for you today is to ask God what is it that you are holding back from Him? Is their something he would life for you to do? Is your story similar to the man or girl who is struggling with something? Are you new to Christ and could use a little help. Maybe God just wants you to witness to someone.I encourage you to be transparent and trust what God has for you.

Day 15 Luke 12

Out of all of the heavily quoted scriptures you don’t really hear much about Luke 12 but for me Luke 12 is a game changer. During the first fast I did I would pray and then sit and listen for Gods word. Sometimes He would just write, my beautiful daughter trust the process and then towards then end he would have me read Luke 12. Constantly. Everyday. Luke 12 speaks a lot to fear and worry. As a single working mother fear is heavy in my life. As a girl who lost her mother at 17 and is just now healing from that Worry is present. In that scripture is Gods promise that he has nothing but good for us that love Him. He tells us to fear not who can kill our bodies but He who can cast your body to Hell. Heaven is on the other side and there is nothing that anyone can do to you that can stop that as long as you trust in God. He tells us not to worry about what we're going to eat or wear because He provides even for the birds. He knows the exact number of hair on our heads. He knows your name and cares for you. Todays challenge is to read all of Luke 12. What speaks to you in this chapter? 

Day14 Find a Prayer Partner

Hi Im Angie and I suffer from alcohol addiction. I pretty much am addicted to anything that feels good and that has been the biggest wedge in my relationship with Christ. When the burden got to strong and I found myself running to Christ and then fleeing from him just as quickly I found celebrate recovery. And while I encourage you to just find one person that you could trust I found about 7 women that I could just tell them all the things that were going on with me. Gradually because my trust issues ran deep but with determination to get rid of my hangups and fill the God sized whole I had inside of me. These 7 women prayed for me without judgement and with such a warmth that I know it was God who freed me from addiction. Your challenge for today is to find a prayer partner.

Clean.

I was talking to an ex a couple of days ago and since we are both in recovery I thought what better time than now to make amends with him. Well instead of being the recovery counselor that he is, he instantly wanted to remind me of my past. I got off the phone with him and had these two thoughts; if I'm doing all this work and people are still going to think of me as a drunk and a hoe then whats the purpose and I definitely don't need to have someone like him in my life at all especially during the recovery process I'm in.
I have a friend and she is my closest friend and because shes always grinding at work and I'm a single Mom we rarely get to catch up, so we set a date. When the day came I instantly began to dread it. As an introvert even though I love my friends I can give you a million and one reasons why I should be at home with Kash. I recognize that and really cherish my friendship so I got online and looked on yelp for a vegan restaurant. I found one with really awesome reviews called The Grain Cafe. Its a pretty awesome place and my waiter helped me find a Daniel Fast friendly meal.

The Grain Cafe

Anyways as we ate me and my friend caught up with eachother. I told her about the conversation with my ex and how it left me feeling and she asked me, "Why have you changed so much? What are you doing this for?" The best answer would of been because of Jesus. Because its true Jesus has changed my life. I cant remember the answer but she told me "I think it bothers you more that you think that you used to be a hoe more then it bothers anybody else." And that was it. That is  the answer. That my old self the one that died when I came to have a relationship with Jesus keeps trying to pop up. I know that I'm a new creation in Christ but I keep believing the lies that I'm still the same. And so instead of letting go of my life I work even harder to prove that I am different when Jesus has started a work in me already and is fighting the battle of the lies the enemy tries to spew at me.
I don't know if this is just for me or for someone else but YOUR DIFFERENT and it doesn't have anything to do with you but with Christ. Let your life go, lay your life down and give it to God. Don't do a good work just for show don't do it just to prove something to yourself. Do it because God leads you to. I want God to have my whole day, everyday. I want his approval and not the worlds. I may still look like a promiscuous girl to my ex. People may even be betting on me that I will go back to my old ways but at this point none of that matters. The worlds approval means nothing to me because I live for an audience of one, Christ, and I just want to do His will. Jesus has washed me clean.

"Clean" by Natalie Grant

I see shattered

You see whole

I see broken

But You see beautiful

And You're helping me to believe

You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

What was dead now lives again

My heart's beating, beating inside my chest

Oh I'm coming alive with joy and destiny

Cause You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

There's nothing too dirty that You can't make worthy

You wash me in mercy

I am clean.

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice

Your blood flowed red and made me white

My dirty rags are purified

I am clean

Day 13 Worship

Do you know how amazing our God is? No, seriously our God is pretty awesome and our singing and worship to him bring him joy. God who created the universe and gives us breath gets joy from our worship. Out of our worship God flows through our hearts like a river. There is absolutely nothing like worship. Whenever you get the opportunity to worship Christ whether you are at home or in church no matter who is around you you have to get your mind made up that you are going to worship Christ with your whole heart. Worship Christ expecting his presence and his river to flow through your heart. Our God is awesome and he deserves all of our praise. Today's challenge is to worship Christ. Sing a song to Him, put a worship song on and dance for the Lord.

Jesus Take the Wheel

This fast is going so well I find myself spending insane amounts of time with our creator. In that time I feel like he's telling me Angie let go. Let go of your life and give it to me. If I could be honest I feel like I can let go for a day and that day will be an amazing joy filled day but then I let the world get in and the next day I get scared and want to control my life again. I am trying to get to the point where I can honestly tell God " Lord you are the driver I am just a passenger please take the wheel." My prayer during this season is Lord, Your will for my life. Nothing more nothing less. Amen

Day 12 Date Night With Christ

Whether your single, married or a single parent God longs to spend time with you. He loves us and wants to refresh us and renew us. Set aside a time to plan a date night with God.  As a single Mom who doesn't have time even for herself I wondered how could I have a date night for God. So I sat with Him one day and asked God what he would like for me to cook for our date and he told me Fried Green Tomatoes and Splash Punch. I had no idea what splash punch was so I googled it and saw that it was just sparkling water mixed with lemonade. It blew my mind because I had just stopped drinking and was drinking sparkling water like crazy. I think its so dope that God knows what I like and that the closer I get to him the more I know he takes joy in the things I like. So, I challenge you to plan a date night with Christ. Ask Him what he would like to do. Even if its watching a Christian comedy at home spend some time with him and bring your bible a long so you can hear His word.  

Day 11 Saying Goodbye to Fear

He who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the almighty. I will say of the Lord, :He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”Psalm91 1-2 NKJV
This is a life changing scripture this is a fear chasing scripture this is a hopefilled scripture. This is your decree. That at the sign of fear you can recite this scripture and know that you dwell in the shadow of the almighty. That if threats come against you God covers you and will help you tread upon the enemy. Todays challenge is to write out all of Psalms 91
and memorize it. Ask God to write the words down on your heart.

Day10 The Fruit of The Spirit

Heart check: Do you think you possess any of these attributes? God says they will know you by your fruit. And these are the fruit of the spirit. Notice it doesnt say anything about anger or being on team petty. It says of joy of peace and of kindness. I've noticed that one of the fruit that I struggle with is self control. I suffer from addiction to anything that feels good so while God has given me freedom over many of my addictions I still struggle with over eating So Im going to be asking the Lord to help me with that. Todays challege is to memorize the fruit of the spirit ask the Lord to write it down on your heart. Ask him to fix whatever needs to be fixed.Then go out and use some of your fruit today.

Day 9 Pray for someone else

There have been times when I have not known what to pray for, or that I feel like Im  bothering God with all my complaining that I don’t pray at all. I can not express to you how crucial prayer has to be in your life in order for Jesus to take the wheel. So today's challenge and your challenge for the remainder of this fast is to pray for somebody else. It could be anybody. Do you have someone you have not been able to forgive, if so I encourage you to pray for that person until God heals your heart. Forgiveness is more for you than anybody else. Is their someone you know who is going through a tough time? You could even pray for a family members salvation. The only thing that matters is that you pray for that person whenever you get the chance. It will grow your prayer life and you never know if your blessing is tied into someone else.

Day 8 Grace

So heres the thing, we are all bent towards sin. There is just no way around it we are imperfect people serving a perfect God. Generally when we sin we get so ashamed and we try to cover our sin and act like it never happened. We even try to hide our sins from God. And then we grow further and further away from Him when he just wants us close to Him. Theres this thing called grace. There is nothing like it and it helps us when we sin. God’s grace is so overwhelming sometimesbecause we don’t even deserve his grace but he freely gives it to us. Grace is what helps us when we sin to not fall back into our old ways. God is not going to punish you because you don’t pass the test. That is the time when he wants you to draw closer to him so you can get a little bit more of his grace.

Day 7 Church Family

Finding a church family is so crucial to growth in Christ. My church family is full of elders and it is the very church where my best friend and husband slept together behind my back. The funny thing about that is I seek Christ and I seek his voice and trust his timing and I trust that he lead me back to that church after my 6 year hiatus for a reason. I can make my Pastor blush by asking her how do I stop thinking about sex and still get a valid answer without judging. The older women in my church love on me and my son and give me wisdom. God wants that for you too. He wants you to grow in Christ and grow his church. He wants you to be active in the body of Christ. So I encourage you to read the rest of 1 Corinthians 12. I challenge you to find a church home if you don’t already have one and if you do I challenge you get active in the church. What can you volunteer to do to help?

Day 6 The Thirst is real

Have you ever heard the phrase “the thirst is real”? Like when you like a guy so much all you want to do is be around them or get them to want you. Its almost like your thirsty for them. Well that's how you have to be with Christ. Thirsty. Jacob was so thirsty for Christ’s blessing that he wrestled with him not letting go until God blessed him and changed his name to Israel. You have to be so thirsty for Christ that it doesn’t matter who likes it or not your going to be with him. You are going to serve him. You are going to look for him like he is the last bottle of water on earth and your in the desert. The thirst has to be real for Christ and I guarantee you that you will find him. Ask God to change your desires to the desires that he has for you let Him know how thirsty you are for him. Just one touch from him and you’ll never be the same again.

Day 5 Surrender

God knows all and he sees all. He knows when you are worried he knows when you are hurt. If you are wondering about your future or still trying to get over past hurts just stop right here and lay it all out at Gods feet. Surrender it all to God. Give God your past, your confusion and your hurt. Give God your whole day. Surrender it all to him.

Day 4 Tuning Out The Distractions

Congratulations! Your back to this devotional and committed to growing closer to God. If it is morning time I want you to write down what have you done since you've woke up. If it is afternoon I want you to write down everything you have done today. Does anything on that list have to do with God? If so good, if not we have work to do. God comes first and we do that by acknowledging and spending time with Him. A fast is a time to draw you closer to God, so that you may sit and hear his voice but you can only hear him once you get rid of all the distractions in your life. Maybe you spend a ton of time on social media or watching T.V. Can you give up whatever it is that is distracting you up for the rest of this fast? For example As soon as I wake up and am laying in the bed I have the bad habit of checking my social media. During my fast I replaced constantly checking my social media with jumping on to my bible app. Do you know how juicy the NLT version of Genesis is? It really wasn't hard. Ask God to help you get free from distractions. Ask him to show you how to put him first.
P.S if you actually are following along with this devotional I post them every morning at 7 A.M :)

Day 3 Prayer Life

What does your prayer life look like? There is absolutely no way for you to get close to Jesus without a prayer life. Prayer looks different for everyone. Some people pray silently some people pray loudly some people write their prayers. It really doesn't matter how you do it as long as your are earnestly seeking Christ with the faith that you are going to find him. Today's challenge is to create a prayer space if you don’t have one. A prayer space is just somewhere you can go to just get alone and spend time with God. My prayer space is a small corner I go to in the morning before my son wakes up and I lay out before God and just pray to him. I have my favorite scriptures and quotes taped on that wall so that when I don’t know what to pray for I just recite those scriptures and talk to God. Have your created your prayer space yet? Now talk to God and wait to hear from him. What is he telling you? What do you want him to know?

Day 2 Radical Victory

 What are you fasting for? Do you want to get free from something? Do you want to grow closer to God? Is there a specific prayer that you want God to answer or gain knowledge of it? Write it down. The bible says when you pray believing it will be done.Today we are going to radically declare victory over your circumstance. Thank God today that its already done in Jesus name!

Are we all in agreement that we need God and that everything we need comes from him? If yes, then thats a good place to be. Todays challenges are pretty simple the first one is to find a bible app and download it. This will really come in handy with your fast especially if you have decided to give up social media for 21 days. Try to find a bible app that does daily verses and different translations. The second challenge is to just pray this simple prayer outloud. Lord I know that I cant do this on my own, I give everything to you. All of my cares, all of my burdens and hangups I am placing in your hands. I have full hope in you. Increase my faith father and lead me out of all temptation and closer to you. In Jesus name Amen.

Daniel Fast

Ok, so we're starting a Daniel Fast in one hour. Well you maybe asking yourself what is a Daniel Fast. It's the way that we are going to get Jesus to take the wheel in our life. It is a fast where we give up certain foods and limit our time on social media. The fast is much more effective when you give up social media completely (instagram, facebook) for 21 days. The idea is that you replace that time that you would spend on social media spending time with Jesus. If you get hungry or want a certain food take it to God, let him strengthen you. This fast is not a magic formula that will end all your problems, it is a pathway to Jesus. Jesus is always the answer and getting away from the worlds distractions will always bring you closer to him.

If you feel like you can no longer hear Gods voice this fast is for you. If you need a breakthrough this fast is for you. Strugiling with sin, stuck in a deadend relationship, or worried about your job and future? Yeap, this fast is for you. I encourage you not to give up. Spend a little time with God today and ask him to guide your steps. He will never lead you in the wrong direction.
Here are some of the foods you can eat on the Daniel Fast: Fruits, beans, nuts, vegetables, whole grain tortillas ,fresh vegetables, unsweetened almond milk and seasonings.
We are to avoid all meats, dairy, sweeteners, and deep fried food.
Try to keep your time on social media limited to 30 minutes or less each day. For a full complete list visit www.danielfast.wordpress.com

It Started With A Song

Disclaimer:If this sounds raw its because I wrote this on my lunch break during my fast in March.  If you feel like this post speaks to you please email me or leave a comment so I can pray for you and keep you updated for when our fast starts.

What are you afraid of? For me the breaking of a soul tie started with a theme song and a word for the year. That was in 2015 and my theme song was Robert Glasper's Trust featuring Marsha Ambrosius, and while it may sound like she was singing to a man I imagined I was singing it to Jesus. And so I would sing "put me back together and mend my heart" only watching their live performance on YouTube.When I heard the real song and heard John P. Kee talking at the end of the song, oh I just about lost it, especially because I was in such a broken place and in such a mentally spiritually and physically abusive relationship. Little did I know I would get oh so more broken before God fixed me . At the end of 2015 my lover off and on of 10 years banged my head into a wall, kicked,  punched and tried to strangle me. So broken, I was already drinking everyday and had no idea what to do with myself. I drove to a police station and sat outside crying for 30 minutes. The officer told me I could not have the man arrested without pressing charges and then I started thinking about his family. And so I drove home crying hysterically. I asked my Dad what I should do and he told me to go to work. What followed was a 5 hour break down at work in front of coworkers and customers. I was done, officially broken and ready for God to put me back together and mend my heart. I started another 21 day fast on January 5th 2016 and that was it for me I haven't took a drink since. I haven't seen that man who I used to think the earth spent for since December 18th and I'm ok with that. So for now let's start with a theme song. Things will get deeper later. My theme song for this year is Marsha Ambrosius Lose myself. Because it's true I had to go absolutely stark raving mad 😜 before my eyes were open to the fact that until I loved God with all my heart I would never love myself enough to have a healthy relationship. So I'm getting back to Angie and loving and getting to know who I am in Christ. What about you? What's your theme song?

Jesus take the wheel

So, heres the thing, you cannot have an interaction with Jesus where He frees you from something and remain the same.

There's not been a time yet that I have fasted that God has not answered a crazy prayer for me. From breaking a 10 year soul tie to delivering me from alcohol addiction to even giving me the will power to give up meat! I say all this to say, I have felt this heavy tugging at my heart to do a devotional on fasting. At first I thought I would try to put it in a book and sale it but God said I should do it for free so in a couple of weeks I will be opening up a blog and passing out handmade journals for anyone who wants to get closer to Jesus and get free. Before I close this I just wanted to tell yall how dope Jesus is, in my quiet time a while back I heard Him tell me 10 journals. I would only pass out 10 journals this go round and now rereading this scripture above that the Lord gave me in my quiet time yesterday it says that after Jesus healed him the man started off to visit the Ten Towns... God is so awesome and Im so excited for you all to have the same mind blowing experiences of His love.